On Thanksgiving

This time of year is always the hardest of the year.  Most people look forward to going home to their families and seeing old friends.  They get to reflect on their pasts.  They get to reflect on a simpler time for themselves.

I have a different relationship with Thanksgiving, although it is related to the same ideas outlined above.  I do not wish to return to my past.  Chicago is no longer my home.  My past was wrought with weakness, pain and a version of myself that I chose to gut and skin long ago.

I have no interest into returning to who I once was.  I have no interest in even remembering who that person was.  They need to stay buried.  Even worse, my family is not exactly the paragon of healthy.  I love my parents, but I cannot be around them too long before I wish to be away.  One of my brothers I find there is still some lingering strain although I have a great relationship with my other one.

Many of the friends I had back in Chicago have moved away.  The ones left, most of them are not really friends of mine anymore.  Just people I used to know.  There is no reason for me to revisit my past.  I have a future to focus on.  Yet Thanksgiving is a holiday that focuses on the past.

Being that I have no interest in this concept, I find myself very alone.  Even worse, I am constantly reminded of these problems through the month of November.

I think I understand how Harry Potter feels when everyone goes home for the holidays and he is at Hogwarts all alone.  Like him, I dread the Summer and Winter, while enjoying the Spring and Fall.  For it is in those months that I feel wanted, and not alone.