Growing up I was raised like any other child. Taught to believe that I should love everyone and treat everyone with respect. I was told that these things would make me a strong person. I was also taught what hate looked like. I was taught about groups like the Klu Klux Klan who hated others because of how they were born. That hatred was the antithesis of good. That hate led to all the troubles in the world.
I got a little older and went to school. Being Jewish (and autistic but unaware of it at the time) I was picked on by the very people I was warned about. They used their hatred to cause me harm. They used their hate to isolate me. So I clung to my beliefs that hatred was the problem and that I had been raised correctly. I was reminded of this by the ever increasing scars and wounds on my body from bullies.
High School rolled around. By this time I understood a bit about why I was picked on. I also knew a bit more about Psychology and the power of the mind. Unfortunately so did the bullies that were still very much picking on me. Now they resorted to ruining me mentally. Inflicting scars upon me which have still not healed and likely never will.
At this point, I began to wonder if I should embrace my enemies ideas and fight back. But no I decided. I would never become them. Also, the best way I was told, to defeat a bully was to ignore them. So I did. I continued to be attacked in High School both physically and mentally and I continued to ignore them. Though I was starting to realize that it was not working.
Then college came and the nightmare truly began. It was at this time period where I learned the error of believing that ignoring bullies would make them go away. I was introduced to an even more insidious form of bullying than Psychological. I was introduced to Cyber Bullying. This form of attack goes for integrity and thus the more you ignore the bully, the more powerful they become.
This form of attack tested my friendships and bonds far more than it tested me. And that was when all that I had been taught my whole life began to fracture. For now I was under attack by my friends and family more than anyone else. They told me I would have to be put under watch by police, or locked up in a hospital. When asked why they felt the need to help the people attacking me, they responded that they were doing it out of love.
That was when the truth began to hit me. Hatred was not what was harming me but love, Very very misguided love was the root of my problems. The bullies who picked on me because I am Jewish did it out of love for their own religious beliefs. The ones who picked on me because I have Autism did it out of their love of power. My family and close friends picked on me because of their love of keeping me in a cage to keep me safe from all harm.
I withdrew from my college. I remember driving home in the dead of a December night frantically searching for a bridge with a large enough drop to plunge myself to a bitter end. Instead, I found a deer and ended up on the side of the road.
Deep in that darkness, I snapped. I screamed to the cold wind. I screamed to the world. I screamed to the ground beneath my feet. I professed my Hatred of the cold wind, my Hatred of the world, my Hatred of the ground beneath my feet. But anger needs energy to feed. It is not that strong of an emotion on its own. So I professed my hatred of my "friends". I professed hatred towards the family members that had turned their backs on me. Still that was not enough.
I professed my hatred of the concept of love. A concept that had left me abandoned, alone, and with few real friends for my entire life. And most of all I professed hatred of myself. Such a weak feeble Human. I had no spine. No one had respect for me. I had little power, little influence. I was pushed around like a rag doll.
And thus it was hatred, and not love that finally gave me the will to start pushing my car out of the snowbank. And as I tried with all my might to move it. That is when the miracles began. A truck driving by saw my car on the side of the road and offered to use their chain on the back to tug my car out of the snow.
Once I was firmly on the road, I passed by a massive car wreck. One that would have included me had I not encountered the deer. I had decided earlier that love had betrayed me and thus, I discarded my old self into that car wreck.
The old me died that night.
The me that was born that same night embraced the very hatred that I had feared my whole life. Quickly I moved away from the negativity in my life as well as the people who saw me as a weak and defenseless coward. Instead, I found myself in Florida, ready to establish my new identity and bury the old one for good.
And now, I look at what I have accomplished, the friends I have made, and the places I have been. I look at where I am going and the friends I will make. Love has not been what has guided my aim true. Sure, I do care about my friends and will defend them just as I know they would for me. But it is hatred that drives my ambitions. That drives my goals and dreams.
Hatred is what gets me to wake up each day. Hatred is what compels me to write. Hatred is what compels me to love. Hatred is what compels me to forgive my family. Hatred is what compels me to reconcile with my old enemies.
Are you confused as you read this? I will elaborate.
I hated who I was. I became something else entirely. I hated that I was weak. Now I am strong physically and mentally. I was seen as a coward and spineless before. Now I am seen as more powerful and even a little intimidating. Even more recently I have been called a "Happy Person" which I find funny. My hatred has formed such pragmatism which makes me seem strong and even a bit happy at times.
Do I still struggle? Of course. I even have some bad days from time to time. But I do not withdraw into myself for long as I did when I held emotions such as love and longing in my heart.
Th day that I understood that light had forsaken me was the turning point of my life. When I let darkness in, I became the person I had always wanted to be.
The new me a few years ago was presented from a ghost of my past. One of the men who used to torment me so had a run in with me in a bar. If you are expecting this to be the part where there is a morale to the story and we both become friends, you would be very mistaken. He remembered who I was, and assumed even after all these years, that I would still be the weak man I once was. He had not changed one bit. But I had.
What he assumed would be a very one sided fight, ended with him pinned to the wall, my hand holding him by his throat. I stared into his eyes, and felt deep ecstasy as I fed on his fear. I whispered softly to him: "Who is the spineless coward now?"
I have not been bothered by him since.
And even now, most most noble endeavors are grounded in hatred. I display my Judaism for all to know in hatred to Antisemitism. I serve as a reminder that so long as even one Jew stands in defiance of them, they cannot win. Instead of this Jewish person fearing these racist individuals who have a love of ignorance, I can bring fear back to these fools. This is a motive that I will likely have for the rest of my life.
I announce to the world that I have Autism to further the right of people like me. But deeper down, I announce to the world that I have Autism out of hatred to the so called normal people who think that their way is the only right way. Even more so, I do this act out of hatred for Sociopaths everywhere who, should I make the changes to the world that I desire, the whole world will become a better place... at their expense.
The stories that I began writing as a child have suffered from the phenomenon of Cerebus Syndrome. As my personal life has become darker and more filled with hate, my books have adapted and become the same. I write books and blog posts (like this one) in response for my hatred of existence. I use every ounce of energy I have to defy this world. The first step in changing the world is changing ones self after all.
As I move forward into the future, I do so with extra energy and more of a step in my stride. Most people expend so much energy fighting the hatred that lives within. Instead, I embrace the darkness, the blight that exists within my soul and cast out the lies, deceptions, and illusions that light creates.
"For those who fear darkness have never seen the damage that light can do." I have seen that damage and that is why I go into the future embracing the darkness, and casting out the light.
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