Lok'tar Ogar

I have already elaborated on a few of the slogans that drive my life forward.  To review, these two slogans are as follows:
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Fear is the most powerful of all emotions.

Now, I will add the third aspect of what drives me.  The phrase listed above in the title is derived from Warcraft Orcish.  And while the most famous speaker of the quote is not one who my general beliefs align with (Garrosh Hellscream) there are plenty of Orcs that my personality does align closer with.  Notably a combination of Ner'zul Shadowmoon, Gul'Dan Stormreaver, and Varok Saurfang who also embody the three slogans listed all together.

Ner'zhul better known as the Lich King embodies the first.
Gul'dan the most powerful mortal Warlock may be one of the defining characters who defines the second.
Varok, who's incredible feats bring respect to Warcraft players as well as memes all over the world embodies the third (with his unstoppable cleaves)

But what you are likely asking yourself is, what does "Lok'tar Ogar" mean?

Quite simply it translates to: Victory or Death.

And this philosophy guides every aspect of my life just as hatred grants me the power to move forward.  This philosophy is what allows me to use fear as power rather than be shackled by it.

In every pursuit I make, in every attempt I in any aspect of my life, I will accept nothing short of success.  If I fail, I try again.  After all there are two ways to do something.  "You can do it right, or you can do it again." Neil Murphy.

For me, failure is not an option.  I have suffered too much and fought with just about every single living entity that has entered my life.  I will fight for victory in each and every endeavor or I will die trying.

The Power of Hate

The internet would lead you to believe that love is equated with justice, honor, and goodness.  I am here today to bring the counterpoint:  That these ideas are false.  That these premises are false.  I will be using stupid amounts of Pathos to make this argument, so if you don't like that, go elsewhere.

Growing up I was raised like any other child.  Taught to believe that I should love everyone and treat everyone with respect. I was told that these things would make me a strong person.  I was also taught what hate looked like.  I was taught about groups like the Klu Klux Klan who hated others because of how they were born.  That hatred was the antithesis of good.  That hate led to all the troubles in the world.

I got a little older and went to school.  Being Jewish (and autistic but unaware of it at the time) I was picked on by the very people I was warned about.  They used their hatred to cause me harm.  They used their hate to isolate me.  So I clung to my beliefs that hatred was the problem and that I had been raised correctly.  I was reminded of this by the ever increasing scars and wounds on my body from bullies.

High School rolled around.  By this time I understood a bit about why I was picked on.  I also knew a bit more about Psychology and the power of the mind.  Unfortunately so did the bullies that were still very much picking on me.  Now they resorted to ruining me mentally.  Inflicting scars upon me which have still not healed and likely never will.

At this point, I began to wonder if I should embrace my enemies ideas and fight back.  But no I decided.  I would never become them.  Also, the best way I was told, to defeat a bully was to ignore them.  So I did.  I continued to be attacked in High School both physically and mentally and I continued to ignore them.  Though I was starting to realize that it was not working.

Then college came and the nightmare truly began.  It was at this time period where I learned the error of believing that ignoring bullies would make them go away.  I was introduced to an even more insidious form of bullying than Psychological.  I was introduced to Cyber Bullying.  This form of attack goes for integrity and thus the more you ignore the bully, the more powerful they become.

This form of attack tested my friendships and bonds far more than it tested me.  And that was when all that I had been taught my whole life began to fracture.  For now I was under attack by my friends and family more than anyone else.  They told me I would have to be put under watch by police, or locked up in a hospital.  When asked why they felt the need to help the people attacking me, they responded that they were doing it out of love.

That was when the truth began to hit me.  Hatred was not what was harming me but love, Very very misguided love was the root of my problems.  The bullies who picked on me because I am Jewish did it out of love for their own religious beliefs.  The ones who picked on me because I have Autism did it out of their love of power.  My family and close friends picked on me because of their love of keeping me in a cage to keep me safe from all harm.

I withdrew from my college.  I remember driving home in the dead of a  December night frantically searching for a bridge with a large enough drop to plunge myself to a bitter end.  Instead, I found a deer and ended up on the side of the road.

Deep in that darkness, I snapped.  I screamed to the cold wind.  I screamed to the world.  I screamed to the ground beneath my feet.  I professed my Hatred of the cold wind, my Hatred of the world, my Hatred of the ground beneath my feet.  But anger needs energy to feed. It is not that strong of an emotion on its own.  So I professed my hatred of my "friends". I professed hatred towards the family members that had turned their backs on me.  Still that was not enough.

I professed my hatred of the concept of love.  A concept that had left me abandoned, alone, and with few real friends for my entire life.  And most of all I professed hatred of myself.  Such a weak feeble Human.  I had no spine. No one had respect for me.  I had little power, little influence.  I was pushed around like a rag doll.

And thus it was hatred, and not love that finally gave me the will to start pushing my car out of the snowbank.  And as I tried with all my might to move it.  That is when the miracles began.  A truck driving by saw my car on the side of the road and offered to use their chain on the back to tug my car out of the snow.

Once I was firmly on the road, I passed by a massive car wreck.  One that would have included me had I not encountered the deer.  I had decided earlier that love had betrayed me and thus, I discarded my old self into that car wreck.

The old me died that night.

The  me that was born that same night embraced the very hatred that I had feared my whole life. Quickly I moved away from the negativity in my life as well as the people who saw me as a weak and defenseless coward.  Instead, I found myself in Florida, ready to establish my new identity and bury the old one for good.

And now, I look at what I have accomplished, the friends I have made, and the places I have been.  I look at where I am going and the friends I will make.  Love has not been what has guided my aim true.  Sure, I do care about my friends and will defend them just as I know they would for me.  But it is hatred that drives my ambitions.  That drives my goals and dreams.

Hatred is what gets me to wake up each day.  Hatred is what compels me to write.  Hatred is what compels me to love.  Hatred is what compels me to forgive my family.  Hatred is what compels me to reconcile with my old enemies.

Are you confused as you read this?  I will elaborate.

I hated who I was.  I became something else entirely.  I hated that I was weak.  Now I am strong physically and mentally.  I was seen as a coward and spineless before.  Now I am seen as more powerful and even a little intimidating.  Even more recently I have been called a "Happy Person" which I find funny.  My hatred has formed such pragmatism which makes me seem strong and even a bit happy at times.

Do I still struggle?  Of course.  I even have some bad days from time to time.  But I do not withdraw into myself for long as I did when I held emotions such as love and longing in my heart.

Th day that I understood that light had forsaken me was the turning point of my life.  When I let darkness in, I became the person I had always wanted to be.

The new me a few years ago was presented from a ghost of my past.  One of the men who used to torment me so had a run in with me in a bar.  If you are expecting this to be the part where there is a morale to the story and we both become friends, you would be very mistaken.  He remembered who I was, and assumed even after all these years, that I would still be the weak man I once was.  He had not changed one bit.  But I had.

What he assumed would be a very one sided fight, ended with him pinned to the wall, my hand holding him by his throat.  I stared into his eyes, and felt deep ecstasy as I fed on his fear.  I whispered softly to him: "Who is the spineless coward now?"

I have not been bothered by him since.

And even now, most most noble endeavors are grounded in hatred.  I display my Judaism for all to know in hatred to Antisemitism.   I serve as a reminder that so long as even one Jew stands in defiance of them, they cannot win.  Instead of this Jewish person fearing these racist individuals who have a love of ignorance, I can bring fear back to these fools.  This is a motive that I will likely have for the rest of my life.

I announce to the world that I have Autism to further the right of people like me.  But deeper down, I announce to the world that I have Autism out of hatred to the so called normal people who think that their way is the only right way.  Even more so, I do this act out of hatred for Sociopaths everywhere who, should I make the changes to the world that I desire, the whole world will become a better place... at their expense.

The stories that I began writing as a child have suffered from the phenomenon of Cerebus Syndrome. As my personal life has become darker and more filled with hate, my books have adapted and become the same.  I write books and blog posts (like this one) in response for my hatred of existence. I use every ounce of energy I have to defy this world.  The first step in changing the world is changing ones self after all.

As I move forward into the future, I do so with extra energy and more of a step in my stride.  Most people expend so much energy fighting the hatred that lives within.  Instead, I embrace the darkness, the blight that exists within my soul and cast out the lies, deceptions, and illusions that light creates.

"For those who fear darkness have never seen the damage that light can do."  I have seen that damage and that is why I go into the future embracing the darkness, and casting out the light.

Yom Kippur: Fasting

Yom Kippur begins tonight and while many non Jews (and Jews) see it as a day of fasting, this is not the central theme of the day.  Of course I have written about that issue in the past, so here I am going to address a little tidbit I have found with the fasting itself.

A common saying one gives to another during and before Yom Kippur is "To have a peaceful fast"  I have a serious problem with this statement as does the laws concerning the Day of Atonement.

If the purpose of fasting is to abandon world desires for a day and focus on enlightenment, then the last thing any person should be desiring  is peace.  Instead, this should be a time of deep reflection.  Of inspiration.  Yom Kippur should be a tumultuous day.  One of great learning.

So instead, I will wish all of my Jewish friends an insightful fast, rather than a peaceful one.

Magus

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I will be continuing the trend of paying tribute to characters that have heavily inspired and influenced my writing.  The main event of this post is Magus from Chrono Trigger.

Hes a fan favorite among RPG Gamers for his neutral evil alignment.  He bad-ass one liners ensure he is never forgotten.  It also helps that he becomes a playable character for the final sections of the game and reaches game breaking levels of awesome with his access to the spell Dark Matter (sadly he lacks his elemental barrier and Geyser spell.)  He also uses a scythe as his weapon of choice if you didn't figure that out from the picture.

Magus helped codify the token evil teammate concept in fiction if you wish to understand his lasting impact on books video games movies and all other mediums of storytelling.  He also never changes to a good aligned personality.  He stays evil.  it just happens that your goals as well as his own intersect all the way till the very end of Chrono Trigger. (and assuming that he is Guile, Chrono Cross as well)

Now just like with Flemeth, there is one specific character in my series The Search for Eden that Magus has inspired in more ways than one.  This is of course The Demon Lord, who since most of you reading this will have not finished the first book in the series at the time of this being published, I will leave unnamed to avoid spoilers.  Just know that characters I write are multi layered and draw inspirations from more than one source.

Still I would be lying if I did not admit just how much of Magus has seeped into a few of my characters, the Demon Lord chief among them (they even almost share titles)

"The black wind begins to blow.. Okay... give me your best shot... If you're prepared for the void."- Magus, Chrono Trigger

Flemeth

There are many characters in fiction that I draw inspiration from when I design those of my own, but not all characters are created equally and thus, some characters have more of an effect than others.  Flemeth from Bioware's critically acclaimed Dragon Age Series is one of those created more equally than others.

The Legendary Witch of the Wilds? Asha'Bellanar? An old woman who just talks too much?  A High Dragon? An Abomination? Something else entirely? (I know the answer but for the sake of spoilers will not answer which, if any of these, are true) This is a character who speaks and the player must pay attention to every word, very carefully.  Here is a character that one knows is probably a villain and yet does little to no villainous deeds.  Here is a character who for most of the series, the player still has no idea what she is planning.

This is the type of villain that is among my favorites in fiction.  One that keeps you guessing.  Fills the story with awesome dialogue, and most important of all, is such a show stealer that at times one is doing nothing more but counting down till the next encounter with such character.  The excitement always builds to what will occur in that next encounter.

Flemeth delivers incredibly.  First encountered at the very beginning of Dragon Age Origins, she sets up the entire plot, then does the same in the second game.  The best types of characters are associated with other incredible characters and Flemeth is no exception.  Her daughter is another well designed character.  In fact her daughter may be the most famous of all Dragon Age characters in media:


And don't worry, I will be writing a future blog post on Morrigan as well.  She has inspired just as many ideas in my writing as her mother.

But when it comes to characters I have written inspired by Flemeth, one stands tall, not just in pure awesomeness in my writing, but tallest in power in the fiction I have written so far.  For Flemeth is one of the strongest influences on my High Lady Demoness herself: Evesta

Sadly I do not have any fanart of what is becoming one of my fans favorite villains in my own works (I seek to fix this issue soon) but just know for now, that the mystery, allure, and witty banter that Flemeth brings to the table in Dragon Age, carries over to The End of Utopia with Evesta.  Obviously Flemeth is not the only influence on one of my main antagonists, but she certainly helped create the snarky and condescending attitude of the High Lady.

Before I wrap this up, those of you who have played Dragon Age, and have also read my book, should have a clear indication of who Morrigan did inspire in my novels, and remember, if the answer seems obvious, you have the right one.

Remember though, when dealing with any character designed with this personality in mind, "There is always a catch. life is a catch! I suggest you catch it while you can." -Flemeth Dragon Age II

New Year

Rosh Hashana is upon us, and I want to take this time to digress from my normally odd and angry blog posts, to wish each and every one of you a wonderful and sweet new year.

I take this time to wish that you have nothing but success for this upcoming year.  I also take this time to begin the process of making any apologies that I may need to make towards those that I have wronged this year.

For me, this last year has been tumultuous.  There were quite a few times when I was angry and bitter with the world this last year, but in the last few weeks, I made some much needed changes.  I am now on a path towards greatness, and I wish the same for you all.

l'shana tova!

Why Bernie Sanders is exactly what the Jewish Americans (And Israel) Need

Based on the backlash that my post on Trump got, I am bracing for a storm of fury once people read this post.

But you read that right.  A Democrat being good for Israel.  Oh no hes friends with the big scary Obama.  He must be a Socialist, Fascist, Communist too!  Oh My!

If you think the statements above are as silly as I do, then continue to read in amusement.  However, if the statements above are ones you agree with, you may want to stop reading now, for your fists will be clenched in primal rage when you complete reading this.

Back to Bernie Sanders, he calls himself the American Socialist.  And hes making a fool of all the people who misunderstand his intent and its beautiful.  For the record, Socialist does not mean Socialism.  Socialist actually is synonymous with Fascist.  If you didn't know this, do not feel stupid, The 1930 Germans didn't understand that either.

Bernie Sanders calls himself a "Socialist" to mock the far right, who at this point are frothing so much at the mouth, and hungering for blood that its absolutely terrifying that the Jewish people are supporting them.  History, mind you should tell that the first people to be killed when the far right gets bloodlusty, are the Gays, the Jews, and the Gypsies.

But lets look at Bernie Sanders and not at the crazy people he opposes. (like Donald Trump)

Sanders is Jewish.  I figure this might be somewhat important when it comes to my people as a whole.  Also he is the child of a Jew who lost their entire family to the flames of the Holocaust.  He began studying politics in earnest because he realized that all it took was one terrible leader to make a great nation evil.

As he runs for president, his greatest opponents are these same Anti Semites who use the moderate right as well as "Pro Israeli" ideologies as a Human shield of sorts to make it look like they have the Jewish people's interests at heart.  They don't.

Its truly telling that the multiple Holocaust survivors I have spoken with, not one of them is a conservative.  They, who saw our enemies first hand, are still able to recognize them.  The ones who cannot are the Jews who have become separated from the atrocities, and thus why they foolishly vote for the politicians who would love to see them dead.

Now I am not ignorant of the fact that there are a few Anti Semites on the left.  I am also confused on why these individuals support groups like to bash Israel in.  Convenient then that these same Liberals love Bernie Sanders.  Now the time to put the outliers back in the GOP where they belong.  The few anti-semites on the left need to be made homeless in their own party so that they can return to the right where their actual ideologies are matched.

A Jewish president is also just what the world needs right now from America.  As hard line Conservative Antisemitism is once again on the rise in France and Belgium (don't let the media's lies about it being Liberal fool you) the world needs leaders in the Jewish Community to step up.

Since Bibi has alienated Liberalism from the USA due to some incredibly caustic mistakes that if handled better would force the hate filled people out of their caves, we need leaders in America on the liberal front to reach out to him.  Bernie Sanders is this politician.  One who does not let mudslinging interfere with doing what is right.

In our increasingly polarized society, we need someone who breaks the mold in ways unimaginable.  And Bernie is that broken mold.

America needs to feel the Bern so that Jews around the world will not soon feel a burn as our true foes reveal their intent.

Why the Jewish People Should Not Trust Donald Trump.

I am finding its astounding and terrifying that a large number of people within the Jewish Community are supporting Donald Trump.  History dictates that my people tend to fear Secularism over Genocide.  And in recent memory, the Holocaust has pointed out the flaw in that fear.

But fast forward to now.  Some (but not all) of the Jewish people feel betrayed by President Obama and the Iran deal.  This deal does put Israel in real danger from the rogue country.  However, now that the Iran deal exists, the GOP idea of merely removing it will have no effect, and even has a chance to backfire instead.

How does this involve Trump?  Quite simply, Trump is a potential politician that does not care about the ramifications of his actions.  Instead, he does what he wants.  Being born into a wealthy family and never having to really even suffer for his actions, (despite going bankrupt multiple times) has given him values that do not do well as a politician.

However, the current GOP political climate which has based its entire platform around a president who won't even be so in the near future, has turned the entire party into frothing maniacs.  These people are being drawn to someone who speaks their language.  Donald Trump.

He along with most of the current GOP candidates are becoming popular among the right for a few reasons:

-An intense hatred of liberalism.
-An Intense spurt of nationalism that brings with it the desire to be a great nation again.
-A Paranoid fear of government taking away all ability for the ordinary citizen to defend himself.
-An Intense hatred and fear of Communism, or Socialism. (They are not the same thing by the way)
-A need for scapegoats.  In this case, its a flavor of the month.  Going back and forth between Gays/Transgenders, Muslims, Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, the Mentally Different (notably Autism and Schizophrenia) and Women

Now look at this list very very carefully, and tell me where you have seen it before.   Guess what, you get to find the answer on your own, I will not be posting it here.

Back to Trump yet again, he is the loudest and most obnoxious of the lot.  And History teaches us that this is the most dangerous person of the lot.  Even more dangerous, the Jewish people are so willing, especially the most religious of the lot, to fling ourselves right into his arms.  My people are very talented at allowing our enemies to kill us and make no mistake that supporting someone like Trump puts us on that road.

But, one may interject, Donald Trump Loves Israel.  Bibi and him are friends after all.

Let me clarify a few things here.  Israel likes Bibi the way that Britain loved Churchill.  His is a great leader during times of war, but in a time of peace, there are far better alternatives.  Israel has of course been at war since the country was re-founded.  But, Bibi is a war-hawk, and he allies himself with people that will ensure that Israel remains at war.

But, Bibi is also a Jew, and like the rest of us, he is not always good at identifying his allies.

Now lets look at some of Trumps Other Supporters.  Groups such as the Klu Klux Klan.  Groups that desire the destruction of the Jewish people.  Unlike the Jewish people, these large groups of Anti Semites have no trouble identifying their enemies.  And their enemies are peace love and liberalism.
If Trump is so loudly, (he is quite loud after all) in his support of Israel, then shouldn't the Anti Semites be scared away?  Or is it possible that they know something that the Jewish people do not?

A new Path

Between my Birthday and assessing both my situations financially and as far as school is concerned, I decided to finally take that leap of faith, that plunge that I had held off making for so many years now.

After Yesterday, I walked away from my day job.  I will no more be locked into the standard 9 to 5 style of work.  This sudden free time and more flexibility in my schedule feels a little strange to me.  Except for a few brief stints in unemployment, I have never been without a job.  I have always had a somewhat stable though admittedly pathetic flow of income.

Yesterday I changed that.  Now, I am helping with a few projects as well as turning my skills in writing (and possibly public relations) into forms of income.  This lifestyle carries risks, but I have found that there are major prices to pay when one seeks stability in a job.

Those sacrifices, notably loss of control of your time as well as the destruction of all self worth have allowed me to realize that I do not want that stability anymore.  Instead, I am turning to ways to make income on my terms and earn it at a rate that is comparable to my worth and not vastly vastly, to infinity and beyond below the true number, which is how I feel most of the Human Race has decided for themselves.

Is it scary that my income may not be for sure?  Of course.  But you know what is even more terrifying to me?  Never amounting to anything.  And the path I was on before leads to that end for sure.

The future may be uncertain for me, but I will chose that mystery over the inevitability of the poverty trap.  This cycle has many of my friends and family caught in its tight grip, but I am on my way to breaking the shackles forever.

Happy Birthday to My Grammy

As my last blog post reflected on the tragedy of death, this next one will celebrate life.

As I said in my other blog post, today is my Grandmother's Birthday.  It may be one of the greatest joys for her to receive her first grandson the day before her special day.  On this special day now, that grandson writes a blog post to her.

My life has been a very wild ride.  It has been filled with peaks where I feel I can reach the sun.  However, it has also been filled with moments where my world grows darker than the most horrifying nightmare.

Through the good and the ill, my Grammy has been there.  To help me snap out of it, to share my joy, and even sometimes to let me rant.  When I rant, I am not the nicest person.  Still she listens and she has not lost respect for me.  And it is because of this, that I will never lose respect for the incredible person she is.

Its takes a wonderful person, family or not to listen to the things I say and still want to be anywhere near me.  My Grammy is an exceptional person.  A one of a kind, with a heart that is limitless in its capacity for love.

Happy Birthday Grammy. I love you.