Perspective

The world is a place of order.

But my world is a place of chaos

The world is defined by rules

But my world is defined by anarchy

My world is at odds with The world.

My existence is at odds with The existence

The crowd seeks to control me.  To use me.

But i’ll show them.

The world has set out to change me.  To destroy me.

But they will fail. I will not bend.

Finally, others refuse to kneel. And the perspective shifts.

I have set out to change the world.  To destroy it.  

But I will fail. They will not bend.

I seek to control the crowd.  To use them.

But they’ll show me.

The world is at odds with my world.

The existence is at odds with my existence.

The world is defined by anarchy.

But my world is defined by rules.

The world is a place of chaos.
But my world is a place of order.

The Crazy Paradox of my Existence

Asperger's Syndrome, Judaism, and The Jung Style Commander are all clearly defined type of individuals.

An individual with Aspergers Syndrome is known to be smart, but timid.  Wanting to make friends, but not sure how to do so.  Speaking boldly but not able to hold other's attention for long.  Bringing up unusual facts that no one cares about.  They tend to exhibit many of the traits of Autism minus the fear of wanting to interact with people.

The Jewish people have been under fire basically for their entire existence.  Being hated and hunted is nothing new and probably won't go away.  The product of such systematic hatred is a stubborn people.  Hard working and for the most part inclined to do the right thing as a response of having evil visited upon them on such a frequent basis.  Equal part religion and ethnic group, the Jewish people have always been an enigma.

As for the last group, its the easiest to explain.  The commander, known as the ENTJ according to the Meyers Briggs test is an individual who takes charge.  They are miserable when they are at the bottom of the totem pole.  And are even more unhappy when they see no possibility of advancement in their lives.  They take charge even when they are not supposed to.  Even more so, they tend to bump heads with other types of people who like to lead.  And as the Commander has overpowering charisma and a dominating personality in tow, they tend to shove this other individuals to the side.

All these traits are on their own unique and make a person stand out.  But I happen to be all three at the same time!

And behold the amount of trouble I get myself into.  When you combine the social awkwardness of Asperger's with an incredibly dominant personality, and add the hatred I gain from being Jewish, and a sore thumb does not begin to describe my struggle with humanity.

"Humans are driven by fear, and the greatest fear is the one of the unknown" as famously spoken by HP Lovecraft.  I am the product of an anomaly.  Not unique, but quite rare.  Rare enough to be the unknown.  And these unique problems I have cause me no end to grief.

I am socially awkward and yet, I control the room.  I cannot depend on anonymity when I enter a new setting.  The spotlight goes on the moment I appear. And that is a nasty combination.  Add to the fact that I outwardly tell the world of my Jewish Heritage that I am quite proud of, and the catalyst for disorder is set.

But, I am told frequently that I can do things to avoid trouble.  That I could take off my Keepah that marks me of the tribe of the Hebrews.  That I can just remain quiet and I won't draw attention.  That I do not have to tell the world I am on the spectrum.  That in doing so, I am using Autism as a crutch.

Its so obvious?  Why didn't I already think of that?

Sure I'll take of my Keepah, so long as my Christian Friends take of their crosses.  I'll stop talking when the video gamer stops playing video games.  I'll stop talking about my autism when a deaf person stops using sign language to communicate.

All these directions are, are more biases lumped onto me.  The anomaly that I am is not one that the average human can cope with, so they think the simple solution is for me to stop being me.  If I do so, its quite easy for others to deal with me.  I agree, its really easy to deal with a wall that is standing there too.

I can only control what I do, not how others react.  And I choose to live my unique life.  Why should I change to be "normal" like everyone else.  Most people are liked because most people are boring.  Its easy to like things that are boring.

I am neither boring or normal.  I am unusual and unique.  I am me, and this crazy paradox is just something that the Human Race needs to get over.

Fire Emblem Fates: Birthright

So I got a chance to dig into the new Fire Emblem.  I'll avoid plot points since the game came out in the US only today, but I am far more pleased with this game than expected.  And even though I started with the easy route, I am enjoying the game.

I am hoping that the middle section of the game does not drag, the way awakening's story did, but even if it does, I'm falling in love with the characters, although as usual, not the same ones as everyone else.

And once again, I am faced with the children dilemma.  I know that as with any fire emblem game, there is always an optimal setup to create a second generation.  So I fully expect my entire first playthrough to be filled with useless characters as I get a feel for how the game works.

Instead of making the comparisons to Awakening, I should probably focus more on the differences. Especially the ones I like.  The infinite durability thing worried me at first. but to be honest, when you can get infinite money and go to shops whenever you want, you effectively have infinite durability unless you are not paying attention at all to your gear.  Making there be no durability has no effect on good players, it merely helps new ones ease into the game.

The story is involving and deep, although I am playing the lighter game of the two.  I also know that the other game (conquests if you are wondering) is much much more difficult.  In fact, the reason I am doing birthright first is to get a feel for how this game runs before diving into the much harder conquests.

Of course the ultimate game is the third option.  The true ending of this new Fire Emblem happens in Revelations, the third of the games.  I intend to play all three in order and will be writing a blog post when I am in the middle of Conquests.

I highly recommend this game if you are a fan of turn based strategy as Nintendo succeeded in the execution of this game.

Lord of Chaos

Today I want to talk about one of my favorite novels of all time.  And considering that this novel is within one of my favorite series's of all time, I would say that this book is significant in my life.

To say that Lord of Chaos, Sixth book in the Wheel of Time Series is one of the greatest turn around in plot in all of fiction is an understatement.

Before I continue, a warning:  What follows are major spoilers for the series.  This is not one of my spoiler free reviews.  You have been warned.


Lord of Chaos begins with the Heroes of the series feeling pretty good.  The villains have been dropping like flies.  Their plots have been foiled at every turn.  Ishamael and Lanfear, the two most dangerous of the Forsaken are dead (but they will be back.  Oh yes they will) Many of the other super powerful mages are dead, some killed by Balefire which makes them deader than dead.

One may ask themselves, how does the story turn around then?

You see, that's why I like this book.  The prologue shows that not only are the villains perfectly fine, but that everything that has occurred is all according to plan.  What follows is a massive thrashing as the heroes get completely crushed for much of the book.

The most horrible blow of the novel though is what happens to Rand, the main character.  He is captured by an army of witches who are loyal to the bad guy who place him in solitary confinement and constantly torture him both physically and mentally.

When he finally escapes, which is the climax of the book, he is left bitter and angry which sets the tone of his character for most of the rest of the series.

The ending of the book is one of my favorite moments in the series.  One of the most important aspects of magic in Wheel of Time is the Male and Female dynamics.  And for most of the series the mages have been women due to men going insane due to a curse on the male magic.  Most of the women are bound to 3 oaths, one of which is to not kill with magic.  Suddenly the world changes.  Not only are there a whole of of female mages that are not bound by this rule, but there is also an army of male mages who care not about the fact that they will go insane.

The literally head exploding finale of the book is one of the highlights and the memetic phrase uttered by Mazrim Taim towards the end is one of my favorite quotes:

"Asha'man Kill" And boy do those words serve a major point.  The reader gets to watch magic used for death and it is quite a spectacle to behold!

Not that the book itself is not.  This really is one of the best novels in the series.  And Wheel of Time is a series that I cannot recommend enough to any and all lovers of fantasy.

One Way Street

Love is not a one way street.

It takes two or more to make it work.

The girl who wants to be treated like a princess ends up on a one way street

A street that sends her to be married for political advantage.

The boy who is told to gut his emotions and be a man ends up on a one way street.

A street that prevents him from knowing love at all.

The girl who claims that chivalry is dead ends up on a one way street.

A street that idolizes her as an object that must be saved.

The boy who is not allowed to love other boys ends up on a one way street.

A street where he is not allowed to love who he wants.

The girl who is not allowed to love other girls ends up on a one way street.

A street where she is bullied and teased for how she was born.

Love is not a one way street.

It takes two or more to make it work.

This one way love leads to few locations

Locations such as Nowheresville and Lonelytown.

You cannot backtrack on a one way street.

Only continue the same predetermined path.

Once you go down a one way street.

There is no returning the way you came.

A one way street does not have alternatives.

When selected, the destination is inevitable

Love is not a one way street.

It takes two or more to make it work.

February 14th: The Day That is Cursed

Thanks to the Hallmark Holiday nature of Valentines Day, it is quite impossible to ignore it.  But worst of all is when in my life, this day has turned to a day of nightmare and only part of it is due to the actual nature of Valentines Day.

What follows is a recount of some of the very darkest days of my life.  If you fear for the darkness, turn now, before its too late. Year by year I break it down:

2006: This year I started to go insane mentally and went down a dark road that would lead to me attempting suicide a month later.  As I was in a very dark place, I do not remember much else that happened this day.

2007: This year I was rejected rather harshly by a woman that I had cared about very much at the time.  I also lost many friends over this indecent.  This was probably one of the better Valentines Days for me.

2008: This year a lone gunman walked into a lecture hall at the school I would soon attend and killed four people.  A few of my friends were in that lecture hall.  A few years later, (2011) bullies would use the fact that like the attacker, I had autism to abuse me physiologically over the internet.

2009:  A close friend of mine who had been trapped in an incredibly abusive relationship committed suicide.  I bear the burden of my failure to save her to this very day.

2010: I was ridiculed by my friends for the lack of a date.  I kept to myself and got incredibly sick (I had some advanced form of the flu). This was probably one of the better Valentines Days for me.

2011: This year I was the victim of massive cyber bully attacks.  I became paranoid, irrational, and did not trust anyone.  i managed to push my family and friends away and became the easiest victim possible for my assailants.  The entire college I attended was convinced I was a rapist and stalker.  I got assaulted on the street and the police did not help me.

2012: This year I was without a job and incurring massive debt.  I spent the whole day alone.  Keeping to myself and eating away at my own emotional stability. This was probably one of the better Valentines Days for me.

2013: This year I had no car thanks a to massive accident I was involved in.  I was stranded and miserable.  My phone and computer also broke. At the exact same time I almost managed to push my dad away to the point where would have never spoken again.

2014: This year I worked a job bringing food to people.  i got stiffed the entire day, and my car ended up breaking in the middle of the day

2015: This year I worked a miserable retail job with a few co workers who had it out for me.  Customers who were rotten to the core, including on who was determined to steal a ton of merchandise from the store did not help.

2016:  And this year looked like it would be great.  I was going to see Deadpool with a friend.  This was stopped by my Bank.  They stopped my debit card, locked my account and as President's Day follows, I am locked out of all my money until 2 days after.  Also my car is on its last leg and my tires are beginning to go flat.

Campfire in the Dark

There is a metaphor I am fond of that describes my life perfectly.

Imagine you are lost in a cave.  You are desperately looking for the way out.  You wander, seemingly alone in the darkness.  But unfortunately, dark creatures inhibit this cave.  They refuse to let themselves be seen.  Their red eyes are aimed at you.  And as there is nothing else to distract them, those abyssal orbs are looking at nothing but you.

As the cave is pitch black, the only guides you have as you wander alone are these terrible lights as well as the walls that serve as barriers, changing the direction you move in next.  If this entire scenario seems maddening and terrifying, you are correct.

Still the title above indicates that campfires are involved.  Which brings us to the next part of this analogy. Guided by the infernal lights, eventually one finds an actual light!  A light so bright that at first, your eyes cannot adjust and you feel more blind than before. As your eyes adjust, you find something other than what you sought.

Instead of an exit, you have found a cozy campfire.  It keeps you warm, it sustains you.  Best of all there are all sorts of goodies and maybe even a few friendly inhabitants at that campfire.  You no longer pursue finding the exist to the cave.  You are quite happy with you new lot in life and decide to settle down.  Complacency though, comes with a price.

That campfire does not last forever.  Eventually the fire dims.  The sparks fade.  The final embers are extinguished.  You are plunged back into darkness.  Into the cold.  Once again, you are alone.  The cruel eyes return.  The stares you had thought gone back at their cold game of leering.  And unless your imagining it, there are more eyes than before.  Is it possible that the new opportunities you thought you thought gained, have turned to adversity.

And even worse, now that you have felt the small (and now senseless) victory, the betrayal of reality cuts much more deep.  As you wander aimlessly through the darkness again. You once again grow accustomed to the darkness.  You are consumed by it.  Once again, hope of finding the exit is gone.

And just as you are ready to give up, once again you see a light.  And once again its a campfire.

This cycle I have laid out has happened times that are not measurable in my life.  Quite frankly these hope spots are starting to really wreck my sanity.  I don't want a temporary reprieve.  I want to exit the cave and start living.

Being immersed in darkness is not a way to live life.  Life should feel open, free and liberating.  Instead I feel surrounded, blind, and enslaved.  The only solace I know is that many of you reading this possibly feel the same.  Still, this does little to lessen the blow.  The pain still looms and all I have is hope of the newest campfire.

Iowa Caucus

Most American news was watching the Iowa Caucus very closely.  And why not?

It the latest in the circus known as the election of 2016.  And now that its getting much closer to November, the average Joe is starting to pay attention.

And that is what really makes the actions that occurred last night so remarkable.

On the Republican side of the aisle, there is a bitter fight between Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.  Marco Rubio also made a showing taking a close third behind the two front runners.  I was pleasantly pleased that Trump was bested, but I was not pleased that it was Cruz that trounced him.  I don't trust either of them as president of my country.

But enough about the GOP.  Lets talk about the main event.

The showdown between Clinton and Sanders reached a new heated pitch.  This caucus event was super important for Bernie Sanders, as the momentum of winning could create an upset in the election.  An upset I very much want.

The polling between Clinton and Bernie was so close that coin flips somehow became involved in the voting.  This should very much scare Clinton supporters who thought that Bernie was nothing more than a fringe candidate.  In all likelihood, she is now worried that this race will go the same way as the Obama one did.

Before I continue, I want to point out the irony of a coin (money) being used to determine the winner.

All right, now that we got this out of the way, lets point out that Sanders finished this close to Hillary as the real victory.  While she won (barely) Sanders got the media attention that has been denied from him for so long.  The momentum has begun, and my hope is that it does not slow down till after November.

I'm feeling the Bern as New Hampshire looms next.