A Mistake I keep Making

Lets face it, the title of this blog post gives away that I'm gonna be honest about myself here. (Or completely naive.  I'll leave that up to you to decide) There have been a couple periods in my life where I was a complete terror to deal with.  Times in  my life where I could not care about anyone else in my life.  Times where my suffering felt so severe that I was completely numb and maybe even a little dead on the inside.

In those times of dire need, people who have done nothing but be incredible individuals have done everything in their power to help me.  In a few of those cases they are one of the few things standing between me and losing myself completely.  Perhaps even stopping me from making a choice I would regret for the rest of my life (or the lack of a life.  Put two and two together.)

Even worse though, sometimes, my bitterness, intense cynicism, great jadedness, and overwhelming negativity have pushed away those most willing to help me.  I will admit as tears stream down my face, that this is becoming more difficult to write as I put each letter on the page.

As I still grapple with the lasting effects of one who has lived so long with depression, I find myself always looking backwards at things I regret.  Of people I want to make it up to.  People I desperately need to apologize to.  People I have wronged that deserved nothing but kindness from me.

In most of the cases, there is still time for me to make amends, still time for me to inform these people how much good they have done for me when I was lost in the darkness.  But because I was deep in this overwhelming void, I managed to attack friend and foe at times.

But, in a few of the cases, either due to tragedy or the natural order of things, some of these individuals no longer walk the earth.  In this case, while I can continue to live the life I have in part to these individuals, I will never get a chance to thank them for all the effort they put in, and even more so, the sacrifices they made to their sanity in trying to help me when I was at my lowest.  Lets be honest, those who know me well realize that I'm not an easy person to deal with even now.  So think about what a delusional screaming and very depressed me must be like dealing with on a constant basis.  Its not pretty.

At this point, I want to name some of these exceptional individuals who did nothing but show me kindness, and I shoved them away.  This is one of my greatest regrets.  While I can strive to be a better person every day, there is no mistaking that I have shoved some of those who deserved nothing but love and kindness for all the hard work they put in to help me ensure I am who I am becoming today.

Rest In Peace Jeff Hoke, Joe Rembusch, Rosie Williams, and the countless others who have tried to help me become the best person I could be, despite the fact that I selfishly pushed them away.  I am so sorry that I never got a chance to truly tell you how much I appreciated every sacrifice you made to make me a sane and functioning individual.  

I hope that the memories of your lives shine as a beacon of hope over a world that is so lacking in the emotion.  Like me this world is awash in anguish and cynicism.  This world needs more individuals such as yourselves, willing to do good, even when it does not seem like the logical thing to do. Wherever you may now be, I hope you continue to bring light to the darkness.