Every day, I question myself about what I am: An author that is still struggling to gain a reader base. A Human Rights Activist who fight for Autistics and Jews around the world. A retail worker desperate to get away from the constant cycle of intense work with little reward. A social outcast who has too big of a mouth forcing his friends away.
This is me being honest about how I see myself. This is me being truthful about my flaws as a human being. I pray every day that I can find my way in the world on my terms. Ethos is my hurdle to cross and my greatest enemy. For when I am taken seriously, I can reach my goals.
This is a catch 22 of course. To be taken seriously, people need to listen and for people to listen, one must be taken seriously. I find it discomforting to say the least the lack of faith those around me seem to have in my abilities.
I can only escape into the worlds I weave for so long. Only save fictional worlds from destruction for so long before I am pulled back to reality to be reminded of the real dangers of this realm.
Each day I continue walking forward is another day of depression defeated, but even the strongest man will tire eventually when carrying heavy shackles with every step. And while this self doubt remains in my heart, those chains will endure.
You know, a great number of authors have started in the exact position you are now. Steven King, for instance, struggled with multiple addictions and depression. He ended up getting so frustrated when writing his first novel, Carrie, that he ended up throwing his first draft in the trash. Other notable authors that have struggled with depression include Mark Twain, F. Scott Fitzgerald, J.K. Rowling, and other literary giants. Know one thing: you're definitely not alone. I myself have had struggles battling both depression and a tough market in a creative field. I went through a period in my life where my love life was in shambles, I couldn't find a job, I had pissed off a great number of people close to me, and I was heavily consuming drugs and alcohol, close to the point of substance abuse. I always mentally focused on what I didn't have, and never stopped to really count my blessings and think of what I did. It took a really scary experience of nearly blacking out after binge drinking, then taking LSD to the point where the effects lasted almost an entire day to realize that life's too short to stew about everything. No matter how bad things may seem, you always have something to take pride in. You are in the small percentage of people that can boast the fact that they have created their own world. That's no small feat. Anyone can destroy their world with a sword. Only a special kind of person can create one with a pen. Someone with a keen awareness of the world they live in, who isn't afraid to see through the bullshit and apply what they know of their real world to their fictional one to spice things up. Just thought I'd share my opinions on this to encourage you to keep your chin up and keep being thankful for what you've got, so you don't end up doing some of the dumb shit I did. Also, don't be afraid to seek professional help or counseling. There's no shame in asking for help.
ReplyDeleteI read your response but it took me a few days to figure out how I wanted to respond to the very motivational words. First, thank you for the response as well as checking out my blog post.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I agree. I do need to keep working on creating worlds so that I can add to the world rather thank take from it.
Third, I appreciate the reminder that many of the famous people I aspire to be had similar challenges to myself. It is a reminder that I am on the correct path as I follow their examples.
Last and most importantly of all, thank you for taking time out of your day to remind me what matters most :)